To Parents of a Freshman Starting at a Christian University

Partners in the Process

Today’s post was suggested by subscriber Joanne Swenson¹. After reading last month’s post on The Spiritual Formation of Christian University Students, she wrote this comment last week.

I think your current and previous books would be of interest to Christian parents, preparing to send their kids off to college -- especially before they make their college lists! If you write a post that integrates those books' insights for such parents, I'll be sure to distribute it in my professional (college admissions counselors) and parent community (parents with home-school'ed or Christian high school students).

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It’s that time of year again!

Cars packed to the gills will arrive on a Christian university campus. Happy and eager students will meet the car and help transport all the stuff into the residence hall. Your new freshman is excited and quietly apprehensive. It’s great to meet the new roommate and negotiate space and decorations while there’s a hope that this is the birth of a new life-long friendship.²

Your student is about to be dropped into a whirlwind of activities called Orientation. They will be overwhelmed by new information, lots of bonding (hellish for introverts), and much excitement.

At many Christian universities, there is also a parents’ orientation. You’ll learn about health guidelines, mental health supports, disciplinary procedures, and receive numerous pep talks telling you that your student is in good hands.

And then there will be some form of parting ceremony. You’ll hug your child for a little too long until they³ head off with new friends. Then you’ll get back in the now-empty car and make the quiet drive back home. But somewhere along the way, you’ll find yourself asking, “What have we done? Will they be okay?”

Perhaps you didn’t go to a Christian university. Or maybe you never attended college. Even if you went the same college twenty years ago, things have changed.

So let me draw upon my forty years as a faculty member and senior administrator⁴ and encourage you. It will be all right.

That simple message has been at the center of the two books I have written about Christian universities. Back in 2014, I wrote A First Step Into A Much Larger World: The Christian University and Beyond. In February of this year, my new book, The Fearless Christian University came out.

The books have slightly different audiences. First Step was written for freshmen students coming to the Christian university. Fearless was aimed at faculty, administrators, and trustees. In spite of these different audiences, there is a consistent theme across the books: what’s happening to students is key.

In spite of how great the best orientation programs can be, beginning college life can be “disorienting”. There’s so much to figure out. And there’s much more diversity than your student has ever experienced. Not in terms of DEI type diversity (there may be some of that) but just the process of learning from people with different experiences (even if — maybe especially if — they are also from Christian homes).

The central premise of First Step is that the Christian university environment provides the raw material for your student’s social, emotional, academic, and spiritual development. Navigating these new experiences alongside these “different” others is a critical part of faith development, especially as they navigate the uncertainties of what psychologists call emerging adulthood (characterized by a period of exploration and uncertainty).

The thesis of Fearless is that your student has come of age in a tumultuous time. The pace of social change during their eighteen years has been astounding. And they have seen it all unfold on social media. They have real questions about the world and their place in it and those questions must be taken seriously. It is not “Christian” to close them off from life’s issues so that they live in a cloistered environment.⁵

This is why faculty members like me will encourage them to read challenging material. It’s why respectful dialogue in class is so important. They will be asked to consider things from multiple perspectives and be confronted with real-life ethical dilemmas. For those students who attended a Christian high school or were homeschooled, that will require them to stretch a lot. But they won’t be doing so alone. That’s why Christian universities hire Christian faculty members who are sensitive to the student’s journey.

But the same disorientation occurs in late night residence hall discussions or dinner conversation. It happens in Bible studies or small groups gatherings or in Chapel.⁶ They will be considering topics they haven’t explored before and finding nuance in their previously held positions.

That’s okay. We meant for that to happen. It’s part of what needs to happen as they move toward the life after college as they succeed in their chosen career. They will adopt viewpoints that they can integrate into their faith, their work, their relationships, and their sense of where God has been leading them.

I would be remiss not to mention that part of their journey is to test the boundaries of their independence. They’ve been under your roof for all these years and now they aren’t. Yes, there are rules for student behavior. But they will test those. They will stay up too late watching videos with friends, not get enough sleep, and rush to get assignments done at the last minute. As you well know, their brains aren’t fully cooked yet and sometimes they just make bad decisions. It’s okay (within limits). It’s also part of the process of individualization.

So that’s what those of us in the Christian university hope is happening (at least according to me — others may vary).

What can you do to partner in this significant process your student is beginning? I have some suggestions.

First, trust the process. This is a long-haul journey not a quick trip. They may struggle with readings or grades on assignments. Focus on how they are growing over time, taking each challenge as it comes and drawing upon past lessons.

Second, ask good questions. You probably already learned that asking “How are classes?” will result in a predictable “Fine.” Better to ask what topic they chose for the composition paper. Or what the sociology class discussion was about. Or why their new friend is so interesting. Doing this not only keeps you better informed, but it helps them verbalize their learning which solidifies understanding.

Third, beware of being reactionary. For example, being among diverse Christians may have them pondering ideas that weren’t part of your home life. Just because they’re exploring an alternative doesn’t mean they’ve parted with the family. Give them space and trust the work you’ve done to date.

Fourth, don’t fight their battles. If they have a problem with a grade or a professor, help them have the confidence to go talk to the professor.⁷ If they violated student life rules, help them see that they can learn from the experience. If there’s a roommate conflict, it’s not yours to solve.

Finally, celebrate who they are becoming. That’s a bit of a repeat of trusting the process, but I have a slightly different meaning. When they come home for Thanksgiving, they will seem a little different than they do this August. That’s supposed to happen. Just wait until next summer and you’ll really see changes!

One of my favorite things over the course of four decades in Christian universities was seeing that bashful and confused freshman absolutely thrive as a senior. They found themselves over the years and can demonstrate a poise and character and professionalism that was barely visible back in that first August.

I think that’s what you want, too. So we are partners in this endeavor⁸. And they are going to be great.

1. Yes, I take requests. If you have something you think I should explore on here, drop me a note or leave a comment.

2. The transition is made a little easier in the social media age compared to when you are meeting as strangers.

3. I’m using “they” instead of a more cumbersome “he/she”.

4. And parent of two successful Christian university graduates.

5. Although they, like hundreds before them will refer to “the [college] bubble”.

6. Although I want more of the latter.

7. When I was an academic dean, my least favorite thing was getting a call from a parent complaining about a course. I always made the student follow up and encouraged the parents to stay out of it. It worked most of the time.

8. Even though I’ve been retired for five years, I speak here for my colleagues who are still teaching.